M Database Inspector (cheetah)
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|Sat, Aug 18 2007||10||Rotten Cops||
Do you know why Schizophrenia is always thought of
as split personality?
Because in Latin the word means 'split'.
I, for a period of four years,
until a month before being comitted,
I was already weighing 52KG.
I was walking to work, and thought I was smelling dead cops
rotting in black garbage bags on the street.
And that seemed perfectly logical,
and I went to work to do some photoshop
picture for some election comittee.
Its about conciousness.
People ask, why do you not...? you have potentail, they say.
And I laugh at heart.
Because, potential for what? its all subjective.
I mean, once you die, there is no death.
Its all subjective.
You can sit on me and fucking put out cigarettes on my body,
and I will be on cloud 9!
I used to sit by the dentist, read books,
mesmerising the dentist,
all kind of odd things.
There is this thing called conciousness,
and it interprets.
Especially with the aid of the five senses, I admit.
By the way, hearing is more dominant than eyesight.
Hearing starts first.
It starts with hearing, then come the pictures,
then the tastes, then the smells.
This is the order.
My logic is like like this:
I don't remember exactly, but first my conciousness told me
that the bags have these cops in them.
[and by what means did it tell you this?]
Somthing between hearing and thought.
It comes and jumps at you.
As it jumps, the skies, as if the sun slightly changes its angle,
and suddenly...this is what happens.
and you have the intuition to know that even thuogh
its true, you are not interested in seeing a rotting
face of a cop, so you just ignore the bags and keep walking.
But you knew.
And it doesn't matter,
the thought that came a minute later was just as intense:
Do you know what orgasmic joy you get
from the reward pathways in the brain
getting extra dophamine?
Do you know how good I feel.
Do you know I can loose 10KG in a week
when I'm schizophrenic.
In a week.
I don't eat.
I walk 17 hours a day.
17 hours of every 24.
I don't weigh myself.
I just know.
Later, when I arrive they tell me I am underweight.
At Bellevue, I arrived with 113 pounds.
A girl with wide hips, large breasts, 113 pounds.
I was starved. For three days I hadn't eaten.
They brought me in immediately.
I was walking 17 hours a day.
What happened was that there are several paths,
like in The Gohst In The Machine.
I have all kinds of motifs.
For example Egypt allways comes back.
First Egypt arrives, and after Egypt, God arrives.
Egypt always returns.
What happens in Egypt is amazing sex,
amazing delerion, amazing cloths.
They know how to do sex in reactions in Egypt.
That is, you can turn your arm around three times,
and keep turning it, until it disappears.
And there is no volume left, and no bones.
They know how to do such things in Egypt,
and they use it for sex.
The problem with this kind of sex,
the one who was the most respected,
opened his brain.
[Do you have any memories of a connection to Egypt
from before you had schizophrenia?]
I had a crush on Tutankhamun,
when I was in first grade.
I was plowing the Hebrew Encyclopedia.
I started reading at Alef.
I don't know how from Alef I got to Tutankhamun.
But there were very nice pictures, colorful,
of his Sarcophagus,
and he was my first crush,
after my first boyfriend.
First there was the boyfriend, Eran,
with the Diabetes.
He tried to teach me how to ride a bycicle and did not succeed.
And then, when we got to first grade,
and he saw headlice on me,
because my father did not allow to use headlice shampoo,
and four years I had lice, until the forth grade,
until I got some guts, and from money I had worked for,
I went and bought headlice shampoo,
as until then they were just combing me for lice,
but never put any headlice shampoo,
and he saw the lice on my forehead,
and he made a drawing of me with long fingers,
and said he can not be my boyfriend bacuase I was dirty.
Anyway, then, in the Hebrew encyclopedia there was a picture of Tutankhamun's Sarcophagus.
He was my first crush, like a celebrity I have a crush on.
I didn't know he had many girls having a crush on him,
but I was one of them.
Anyway, that was Egypt.
And also, there was always the Egyptian art.
There are two cultures I like in art:
Egyptian and Mesopotamian.
In Egypt I learned two.
In each culture I learn one thing.
My associations work one, one, one, one.
In Egypt I learned there is no problem in life
that will not be solved if you fold your knees to the chest.
This is what I learned in Egypt.
This Egyptian method.
It works perfect.
You can even just put one knee on the belly when you sleep,
you are set for life,
and you wake up in the morning, happy,
like you just had a 7 million dollar SPA.