Tue Feb 21, 2006

100

Haunted

Remember how we lay on the bed the other day, naked,
and someone was knocking on the door?
You said "someone is knocking", and I was silent.
In fact I turned my head just a bit,
hopefully sufficiently unnoticabley,
so you can not see the smile on my face,
that which I will have no way of conrolling
with the anticipated emerging thoughts:

She must think I am totally paranoid,
she already thinks I am crazy and that
I think I am constantly being chased.
Given that according to my own accord,
the only person important in my life is already here,
I would have no reason to invite anybody in,
and so I am probably ignoring the knock on the door
while burning on the inside,
trying to hide my fears from my loved one.
So if the turn was noticable, I got it covered.

Have you ever in your life encoutered yourself
realy hearing actual sounds such as knocks on the door
when in fact they did not occur?

Nor have I!

I have been hearing these "Knocks on the door" ever since
the first night I moved into the appartment.
They have been occuring some five to ten times in 24 hours
ever since, usually in pairs, some 30 seconds or so apart,
and sometimes singular or in trios, but never more.

That night, I simply ignored them like I always do.
I was not about to make a show of pretending someone
is really at the door.

If I were to answer you, my answer would be:

Nobody is knocking, the appartment is simply haunted.

Thinking of how your answer will not be:

Oh, now I am calm, thinking nobody is here,
and you are perfectly sane.

I was strangling my laughter.
I would have a lot to explain if I didn't.

Wed Feb 22, 2006

100

Poker

Women always like to play poker.
It is more polite to call it "tease".
It hides the poker-like deceit effect.
Every relationship starts with a poker game of sorts.
Hardly ever so verbal.

I remember growing up,
studying carefully the Nottenet concept.
I was hysterically implanting "The Great Gift" concept in
my fragile hormonal brain,
over long periods of frustrated solitude.

Revenge against womankind was in the holster,
and will take years of planning,
not to mention confidence-building,
to execute the revengeful plan.

My first revenge came at the age of nineteen and change.
I remember dropping forcefully and rapidly from my first
encounter with Bahad 1, knowing that The Great Gift
and the one year long poker revenge plan will be
accomplished that weekend.

I had several offers before, which I refused to my future Boss,
unwilling to accept the fact that I am not a rational animal.
I was a bit too well trained by the two great philosophers of the time.
I insisted to myself that the first one must come with love,
not quite understanding that my subconsciousness is busy
protecting me from what seemed much more important at the time :
The loss of the poker game,
the loss of the successful revenge plan,
fear of rejection.

In the long run, consciousness won:
By the time I was forty one, I had already been accepted
to the special angel forces unit.
I had to sign off all planned anger as part of the screening
process.

We then went into training.
I think it took some three and a half years:
from age eleven to fourteen and a a half or so.
Maybe the training started when the torturer was three,
I am still not sure.

Training is still in progress,
revenge is gone since my twenties I believe,
and jitters of anger are still sifting sometimes through
the safety nets we learned so hard how to build
during training.

And so, my adolescence left me with a very peculiar skill
that will continue to evolve over time.
I am a good poker player, but only if the the stake
has the title pre-first written on it loud and clear.

In training, we erased as much as possible any desire
to play poker on anything that is dangerous.

It never occurred to me that I will actually be Invited
to just such a poker game.
I felt like a hustler, and my hormones went loose.

"You will drown in your own ocean" - I said
But this was during the game, so it was just a poker line.
In fact, it was true in every respect,
save the fact that I left the second part out:
"and I will be there to protect you".

You did hear me loud and clear, of course,
so the ocean was actually my creation.

Titpa....

Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

Tue Feb 28, 2006

200

The Fire

With two sharp blows both my wings were instantly broken
and I was fired down to hell.
I took my legs and started running.
In a strange position change in the poker game,
I am no longer able to offer their shadow.
They ache too much.
Luckily the punch bag is still mostly intact.
I cried for a relatively short while this morning after the talk.
Hopefully I managed to leave some infrastructure.
Like the last time.
The fire is not burning that strong yet.
Time will tell.